I can't blame my grandmother for the way my uncle turned out. After all the choices he has made have been much of his own and a lot of the time no matter how hard you try to make it right some things are just not meant to be.
I know this all too well because my own brother and I are vastly different. Despite how great my parents raised me and Junie (my youngest brother) my brother Bert (the middle child) still managed to turn into an insufferable asshole. My own brother much like my uncle has disowned our whole family. He has turned his back on what is most important in his life. He is selfish and unappealingly arrogant. He has a one track mind which I hope never meets drugs or alcohol. (Then again I am sure I would much rather prefer that my brother was the way he is because of alcohol or drugs. At least then I would know it wasn't him saying all the countless horrible things he has said to all of us.) And worst of all I really think he does not care how much any of it hurts anyone else.
I wonder what it was like for my father to grow up in the self proclaimed “favorite's” shadow. I am the oldest in my family and the only girl. And while I believe my parents love all of us kids equally I have always been the one they placed all their hopes and dreams on. I am sure the same follows for most eldest children. I am sure my grandmother felt the same way about my uncle. And despite all my father's achievements, three kids, a great career, a happy marriage, a stable financial situation, good health and plenty of love brought into the world he still pales in comparison to my uncle who has none of those things.
You can not blame her though. She had told me that it took years to have Craig. She had to go through a painful gauging of the cervix and also other treatments in order to conceive she was already in her thirties by time she had my uncle and then two years later she had my father. Now I am sure that as I said before she loves my father and uncle equally but I think she placed her dreams and hopes on my uncle. Those dreams might not be what everyone expected them to be. I think besides the drug use (which she denies) he has fulfilled them for her.
My grandmother told me how after high school she had wanted to go to modeling school but that it was too expensive so she went straight to work. She hated working and in those days it was difficult to be a young working woman. She has told me that she regrets marrying my grandfather and following him all over the country. She feels like she should have stayed in one place. She wishes that she could have gone to school, waited to have children til she was much older (older than she already was) she wishes she could have lived the life of an unattached actor, model, dancer, artist or singer. She envies her own siblings who all did just that. She wanted the exact opposite of the life she had and she put all those wants, dreams and aspirations on my uncle. He succeeded in living up to them for her.
My father like most younger siblings did the exact opposite of his brother, who he thought was a screw up. He has lived the exact opposite life even though they were raised by the same people. My uncle has lived the life my grandmother has wished she could have. As right or wrong as that is, it is the truth. He only lived up to what she wanted.
Like I said I don't entirely blame her. You can only conceal who you are and what you want for your life for so long before it slowly seeps out around you touching everything. Showing up in peculiar places like how you smile or the way you carry yourself. You can only keep unhappiness a secret for so long before everyone figures it out.
My childhood wasn't horrible but my parents struggled and fought and clung to kick their way out of what they had been given. I saw what not having an education did to people's lives. I saw what having children young did. What military life was like. I saw all the crappy jobs and the crappy housing. I lived through the grit of it with them. Despite the fact that they are debt free and happy now I know it was not always that way. I saw it all and it spurned me on to do all the things in my life that I have done so that I would not repeat their same mistakes. I am sure that my uncle has done the same. I fulfilled my parents dreams and so did he.
So in some ways it is no surprise that things turned out the way they have for my dad and his brother and even from my brother and me. It makes me sad and hurt but also I have realized that sometimes you become exactly what everyone wanted and expected you to be.
I know this all too well because my own brother and I are vastly different. Despite how great my parents raised me and Junie (my youngest brother) my brother Bert (the middle child) still managed to turn into an insufferable asshole. My own brother much like my uncle has disowned our whole family. He has turned his back on what is most important in his life. He is selfish and unappealingly arrogant. He has a one track mind which I hope never meets drugs or alcohol. (Then again I am sure I would much rather prefer that my brother was the way he is because of alcohol or drugs. At least then I would know it wasn't him saying all the countless horrible things he has said to all of us.) And worst of all I really think he does not care how much any of it hurts anyone else.
I wonder what it was like for my father to grow up in the self proclaimed “favorite's” shadow. I am the oldest in my family and the only girl. And while I believe my parents love all of us kids equally I have always been the one they placed all their hopes and dreams on. I am sure the same follows for most eldest children. I am sure my grandmother felt the same way about my uncle. And despite all my father's achievements, three kids, a great career, a happy marriage, a stable financial situation, good health and plenty of love brought into the world he still pales in comparison to my uncle who has none of those things.
You can not blame her though. She had told me that it took years to have Craig. She had to go through a painful gauging of the cervix and also other treatments in order to conceive she was already in her thirties by time she had my uncle and then two years later she had my father. Now I am sure that as I said before she loves my father and uncle equally but I think she placed her dreams and hopes on my uncle. Those dreams might not be what everyone expected them to be. I think besides the drug use (which she denies) he has fulfilled them for her.
My grandmother told me how after high school she had wanted to go to modeling school but that it was too expensive so she went straight to work. She hated working and in those days it was difficult to be a young working woman. She has told me that she regrets marrying my grandfather and following him all over the country. She feels like she should have stayed in one place. She wishes that she could have gone to school, waited to have children til she was much older (older than she already was) she wishes she could have lived the life of an unattached actor, model, dancer, artist or singer. She envies her own siblings who all did just that. She wanted the exact opposite of the life she had and she put all those wants, dreams and aspirations on my uncle. He succeeded in living up to them for her.
My father like most younger siblings did the exact opposite of his brother, who he thought was a screw up. He has lived the exact opposite life even though they were raised by the same people. My uncle has lived the life my grandmother has wished she could have. As right or wrong as that is, it is the truth. He only lived up to what she wanted.
Like I said I don't entirely blame her. You can only conceal who you are and what you want for your life for so long before it slowly seeps out around you touching everything. Showing up in peculiar places like how you smile or the way you carry yourself. You can only keep unhappiness a secret for so long before everyone figures it out.
My childhood wasn't horrible but my parents struggled and fought and clung to kick their way out of what they had been given. I saw what not having an education did to people's lives. I saw what having children young did. What military life was like. I saw all the crappy jobs and the crappy housing. I lived through the grit of it with them. Despite the fact that they are debt free and happy now I know it was not always that way. I saw it all and it spurned me on to do all the things in my life that I have done so that I would not repeat their same mistakes. I am sure that my uncle has done the same. I fulfilled my parents dreams and so did he.
So in some ways it is no surprise that things turned out the way they have for my dad and his brother and even from my brother and me. It makes me sad and hurt but also I have realized that sometimes you become exactly what everyone wanted and expected you to be.
